Unfortunately, no good trash-talk quotes the past couple of days, but don’t worry, I have some fun stuff for you, still.
Here is an open letter to KU and their fans. Enjoy!
Dear Kansas fans, students and citizens:
Let’s cut to the chase…I don’t like you.
I’ve never liked you. I have friends who are ku fans, and I don’t really like them either. Chances are, my parents didn’t like your parents, and chances are also that a great-grandparent of mine shot at a great grandparent of yours. For generations, this “rivalry” has existed away from the spotlight, behind the seedy, dingy curtain of humanity..away from the Iron Bowls and glares of ESPN lights.
Many people say that the Mizzou vs. kansas rivalry isn’t that powerful because the two never really played for anything meaningful. I say, this is what made it MORE of a rivalry. ANYBODY can “hate” on their opponent or insert a bad word into their fight song about them or poison their bushes/trees/shrubs or whatever “big name” rivalries do. But it takes a special kind of hate and dislike to detest the very ground you walk on…all the way to the very air your web-footed, inbred children breathe…when absolutely nothing but pride is on the line. If Duke and North Carolina were both 10-23 in basketball, would it be “heated”? If Ohio St. and Michigan were both 1-10 going into their final game, would the rivalry burn as hot?
No. And the reason why is because they don’t know hate like we do. We’ve hated each other for 170 years. Our relatives shot hot lead at each other. Your slack-jawed, relatives pillaged and plundered innocent civilians behind the justification of a flag, while we retaliated by burning your rat-infested shithole town to the ground. In other words: I don’t need Dick Vitale or Kirk Herbstreit to tell me how much I hate your guts. Real rivals dont’ have to ask at all.
Which brings me to this week…this final week of weeks, where we part ways, and leave you to fend for yourself in a pigpen of burnt orange slop. “Good riddance” you say. “Enjoy being the bitch of the SEC” you cry. And my personal favorite from your very athletic department “we win”.
Even at the end…you never did get it. It’s painfully obvious you’ll never get it. You may scoff at us, and claim to everyone you can find that Mizzou’s departure doesn’t bother you. But nothing could be further from the truth. It most certainly will bother you in the next six years or fewer..and most certainly when you find your sorry selves fighting for your very existence as a (semi) relevant sporting entity.
Nothing says, “We don’t care” more than screaming out “we don’t care”.
I saw ESPN’s special on the “fierce” rivalry between Auburn and Alabama..and how even the most staunch of enemies put everything on hold to help their neighbors in the wake of a devastating Tuscaloosa tornado. This is where the talking heads get it wrong, and the outside world simply doesn’t get it.
I woulnd’t help rebuild one of your shithole towns if it were raining gold coins. I wouldn’t help your fans if parts of their home blew all the way to my front yard. “If you want this shitty old Lay-Z-Boy…then you can drive up here and get it.” I wouldn’t give two cents to a relief fund in your honor just as I wouldn’t give a second thought to all your pain and suffering in the world.
The outside world doesn’t know the hate between us and couldn’t possibly begin to grasp it. That’s why they don’t understand how this whole SEC thing is killing you on the inside. It’s eating away your soul and chewing out your heart, bit by bit from the inside out. This is the final chapter…this is the end game. As Mizzou trots to their seventh bowl game in a row, your hapless band of defense-deficient misfits (coming off another 600 point loss), simply look to save face in the wake of a new coaching staff making their way to Lawrence next year.
In conclusion, this will be the last week…pretty much ever, that myself or many of my comrades will even think about your sorry ass for a long, long time. Perhaps you will be a part of a trivia question? Perhaps SportsCenter will highlight your latest coaching change? On the other hand, we will be breaking in new rivalries, trotting across the landscape of the most big time, well-respected and powerful football conference on earth..where you are sitting literally years (or less) away from your complete extinction.
I thought I would be more giddy about your doomed future. I thought I would giggle with delight thinking about your athletic department sending “pick me!” letters to every conference in America.
But I don’t.
I don’t claim victory. I don’t wish to rub your faces in the dirt, as you most certainly would do if the tables were turned. Truth be told…I barely even pity you. I pity your predicament, just as I pity your existence. When Mizzou is done pounding your shit team for 60 minutes on Saturday in Kansas City, my mind will give a fleeting thought to your demise…a quick smirk will cross my face…seconds before my thoughts will move on to bigger and better things.
And you my friends…who shall be left beaten, bruised and butthurt, will simply fade away in the rear view mirror…your sobs gently oozing into a soft murmur and eventually into deafening silence.
From bloody Civil War battles to bitter rival to finally silenced and beaten….You can claim “victory” every day until the end of time, but we won’t be around to hear it.
If that how you wanted the war to end…if that is how you measure “ultimate victory” then who are we to question your delusions? Congratulations on your “victory” and please be sure to think of us often as we play under brighter lights and bigger stages.
Oh, and enjoy your colon-throbbing assbeating on Saturday
*In other words, he said to Kansas, “F*ck You.” Good gracious what a wonderful piece of writing!
In other news, Kansas will be placing 10 billboards placed 10 ads on billboards through the city…
Well-played, Kansas. I guess you forgot Kansas City is in MISSOURI. I just have not understood any of this. Just because Missouri is going to the SEC doesn’t mean they’re fans are going to disappear.
– Football billboard: West face, I-70 w/o 18th street
– Big 12 Basketball billboard east face, I70 w/o 18th street
– Big 12 Basketball billboard north face, I-70 e/o 18th
– 1988 National basketball title: I-70
– Football billboard- West face, I-35 n/o of Cambridge circle
– 1988 National basketball title: North east face, I-35 n/o Cambridge circle
– Football billboard: North face, 9-435 n/o Eastwood tfcwy
– Big 12 Basketball billboard: South face, I-435 s/o Truman rd
– I-670 Digital billboard
– I-35 Digital billboard
KC Star: Border War ticket sales lagging
RockMNation: Missouri-Kansas Beyond the Box Score
Rock Chalk Talk: Tale of the Tape
Lawrence Journal-World: As Distractions Swirl, KU prepares for MU
Lawrence Journal-World: Despite stakes, KU won’t empty playbook
KC Star: Battle-scarred Pinkel leads Missouri into brave new world
MUtigers.com: Mizzou Network FAQ